One of the funny little bits of advice that we hand out liberally to our friends (and do not follow ourselves) is telling others to "try to relax". I bet I have given that bit of advice maybe 70,000 times (I don't have an exact count). Here's the thing: trying to relax is counterproductive. Channeling Yoda here, there is no try, just do it. It is surprisingly hard for us to relax and, because it is hard, we think that we must try and then try harder...naturally followed by failure and the ever-present complaint that "I just can't relax no matter how hard I try." Funny thing is that relaxation is a natural process. Basically, all we have to do is give ourselves permission to do it, put ourselves in a situation to allow it to happen, and get out of our own way!
So, if it is just that simple, why do we so seldom relax and why do we find it so hard to do? I think we get stuck often at step 1: give yourself permission to relax. Simply put, relaxation is seen as nonproductive time and nonproductive time, we have been taught since we were young, is bad. So, instead of giving ourselves permission to relax and finding things that we love to do when we relax, we drive ourselves, chasing long hours at work, long hours commuting to work, long nights and after work hours taking our kids to sports and extracurricular activities (we don't want them to have a lot of nonproductive time, either) and then rushing home, grabbing a quick bit to eat, and getting the kids ready for bed, and into bed, before we sit down to do some more work that we brought home from the office before (often) falling asleep on the couch. We then wonder why we feel so uptight and tired all of the time. Is it really that much of a mystery?
We all talk about our relaxation fantasies when we complain to our friends around the proverbial water cooler about just how tired and stressed we really are. In some particularly unhealthy work places, fatigue and stress are actually seen as signs of ability and competence and readiness for promotion. They are also, incidentally, signs of an early heart attack. Our relaxation fantasies reveal the next problem that we have with relaxation -- even if we were to somehow grant ourselves permission to relax, we actually have no idea of how to do it. We simply have very little experience.
As a result, we concoct wild fantasies about what relaxation must really be like -- on a beach in Cancun, on a sailboat in the Caribbean, on a mountain top or sitting beside an exotic mountain lake. Of course, most of us are not made of money so it is easy to explain to our friends (again around the water cooler), that we just don't have the time or the money to relax. Our misinterpretation of what it means for us to relax and "get away from it all" conspires with our inability to give ourselves permission to relax and creates a perfect storm of continual stress and fatigue.
Is it any wonder that the rates of depression in our society are skyrocketing? We are not built for an endurance marathon of never-ending work and stress. We are built for something more akin to a relay race -- a lot of work -- then rest -- a lot of work -- then rest -- repeat. To be clear, the rest part is essential for our overall health and well-being not to mention our productivity during the work phase.
So, if you are going to relax, what works for you? What do you enjoy doing that allows you to mentally (or physically or both) get away from it all? It could be as simple (and inexpensive) as reading a good book, finger painting, going for a walk, browsing antiques, building a model railroad, mountain biking on a trail behind your house...the possibilities are endless but are specific to what makes you tick.
And the good news -- once you figure out what it is that gives you pleasure, joy and recovery (relaxation), all you have to do is give yourself permission to do it on a regular basis. Start simple and small -- give yourself permission to relax 5 or 10 minutes a day. Then, built up to maybe 20-30 minutes, then maybe a few hours on the weekend or in the evening. You might be surprised at how much better you feel when you get out of your own way. Stop trying and just do it.
